from this world...we must all...WALK TALL

part 1

-------- 1) a daughter is born
2) spirit journey
---------- 3) physical journey


physical journey
i remarried in 1980...he was elevator union...he helped built elevators all over downtown babylon...these builders of skyscrapers are truly a no fear bunch...i was more at home with them than with a millionaire's son...he quit drinking to marry me and was a good step-dad and husband...we read the bible together as a family and my girls were in 4-h and agg...doing well...well...my youngest was a lot like me as a kid...and she is still trying to figure it all out...i named her after my father...she will get it one day...my oldest was doing well...
in 1983...war on drugs had been gearing up since 1980... the kind plant got hard to find...prices had gone up....it was real hard to smuggle a bale of marijuana compared to a bag of pure coke...cocaine in it’s original form is a plant...but by the time it reaches the streets in this country it is full of deadly chemicals and FATHER does not like it... the scam is the addictive chemical drugs make more money for more people by the time it hits the streets...than marijuana...and an addicted customer is a re-peat customer...
it was december of 1983 my husband and i were busted for growing our own personal use ( 7 oz.)...it is from here that my story can get very long...i prefer not to...i will instead give you the important factors in my journey to what i have seen...
due to my strong spiritual beliefs about the plants FATHER created being good...i stood up for my religious rights...(not allowed in a court room...so they said)...i spoke the truths without fear...allot of folks got real upset...(lots of angry bees got stirred up that day)...you see this small county (outside babylon) was right next to waters known to bring in drugs...mostly cocaine...big money in cocaine...not much money in mosquitos...which is what this county had lots of...that and cheap land...these boys (my lawyer, the judge, the d.a., the sheriff, deputies) they were not into mosquito...and they pulled me aside outside the courtroom and let me in on that fact...they said they did not like my kind...said i was not making them any money if i grow my own...said if i sold cocaine for em they would let me off easy...said if i did not shut-up and sit down about my religious rights they would bury me...said their protection went all the way up to the f.b.i. ...i told em...that did not impress me much because my protection went all the way up to the FATHER...they were not impressed...they gave us the maximum for first offense...10 years probation...i lost custody of my youngest daughter...the house and land...i never lost my faith...messengers before me had the same problems...as i left my home...one large mushroom grew in the front yard...i never lost my awareness that this was all leading to important lessons...and i was growing...being educated on what is really going on in our world...

we moved to hill country and bought 20 acres and built a house...we reported to a probation officer and worked... my husband’s fed his anger at the law by drinking again... we decided to grow our own herb again...his drunken verbal abuse was more than i could take...i smoked my herb and attended electronic school and worked...my eldest daughter was in college by now...but my husband got hurt at his job...and just got too bizarre...so i sent her down to be with my mom and go to school...

1988...d.e.a. brings a whole troop of camouflage gunhos and a helicopter and about 20 local county boys...the head d.e.a. man is all set to shoot me...i was standing with my hands up...he has his gun in my throat screaming in my face with his veins popping out his head...a local cop stopped him...kept me close to him throughout the day long ordeal...12 oz. ...personal stash...maximum sentence back in the dirty little drug running county i started out in...10 years for violation of probation...and they kept me there in maximum security...the religious fanatic thing...i never even owned a gun...no alcohol...not even an aspirin...maximum security meant i was kept in a tank with five cells...
the judge who sentenced me five years back came to look me in the eye...he was dying slowly from cancer...busting me and bringing me back to his county was his personal revenge...when he left...the ac was turned on in my tank...it was a record cold winter...maximum is where every female prisoner booked in came through before going out elsewhere... except me...i sat in the dark cold tank for 3 1\2 mths...it meant that i talked to every female going through in this crack addicted county...i learned allot...i was the only one they kept in max...i was also the only one there (except for my husband who was kept at the men's detention center) that was there for a plant...everyone there was on crack or speed...just a couple heroin users...the crack and speed are bad ones for sure...some girls had scars all over their body from shooting up...i was a bit of a novelty to these young girls...i was 37 years old...and there for a plant...and maximum security prisoner... and it was for religious fanatic...i never even owned a gun...so most all the girls showed up to talk to me in my dark little cell...the darkness made my shining light very bright... these young girls who had slipped so far into a no hope situation still knew truth when they heard it...and i knew an evil plot when i saw one..this is their story ...

most all of these young folks are from poor neighborhoods... their schools are the worst...but many are not able to even consider school because they are children of abusers...drugs, alcohol...sex abuse...all victims of anger...you cannot concentrate on studies when you have nothing but heartache at home...the girls leave home early with low esteem...they make it on the streets by whoring out...the drug\ pimp man is right there to pick her up and take her in...only until she is hooked on the crack...then back out to the street she goes... but she works for him now...a new girl is brought in...the other girl...now hooked on the crack and on the streets with a habit...robs somebody's house...gets caught...sick from lack of the drug makes her a dangerous thief...also a bad one...they almost always get caught at this...they are not professionals... they are sick...so now she is in front of a d.a. making a deal...d.a. says...“i have 10 burglary of habitats on my desk that are unsolved..”. (professional thieves are seldom caught and make the law enforcers look pretty stupid)...“ burglary is considered a violent crime and you can be given up to 99 years...violent crimes do 1\3 of their time...you can expect to do the next 33 years in prison...unless you plead guilty to all 10 of these unsolved burglaries...in which case i will drop your charges to simple robbery...non-violent...we give you 2 years... and you walk out in 2 months...with $200.00”...geeeeeee what a great deal for everyone...the d.a. gets a clean desk which looks real good on his record...all cases solved...wow...and the girl?...well she does not go to prison for 33 years...she only does 2 months in prison...they cannot go to college if they are not there long enough to finish the course...and even the g.e.d. courses required they take the classes 3 months before taking the test...so...what happens is there is no rehab...no school... and they give them $200.00 going out the door after only 2 months...they go straight to their drug dealer...who works for the judge and d.a. and the good ole boy sheriff...this drug dealer can molest young girls...be charged with it and walk away...more than once...i saw it...i could not believe it...but the girls told me he worked for "them"..."them" turned out to be not just the local boys...but as they had warned me five years ago...their protection ran all the way up to the f.b.i....

from where i was sitting...the prisons were filled with 70% black...the blacks were getting the worst of this unkind scam...no education...no real re-hab... these girls would surely stay at their same level...i watched some come and go as many as 5 times while i was in for my year...these girls return was the assurance that the prison system had a steady flow of repeat customers...good business you know...it was the sickest thing i had ever seen...i puked a lot...

there were many things i saw in my 3 months in county jail from my maximum security tank... things that make my stomach turn when i even talk about it...but i feel i must...at night...in the cold...the night guards would come...they would choose a girl...one who had already struck a deal with them...she would have to cooperate...the guards had access to porno flicks and drugs (confiscated from raids) for their nightly parties...the girl would be gang raped by officers and guards...then returned to the tank...she would never talk...but she would get out soon...the guards bragged they had smoked my herb at one of those parties...
it is easy to see the behavior of people when they are treated in unkind ways...they behave like caged angry animals do...i knew i was there to learn...i just wondered if i would survive...

this time we went through a group called norml to find a lawyer... national organization for reform of marijuana laws...we ended up with a kind man...we were his first case and he worked very hard ... his passion was of a new lawyer who had not been jaded with the truths of the “let’s make a deal or you lose” justice system... we asked the courts to consider my husbands medicinal needs...he suffered dizzy spells from an on the job accident...during the time workman's comp took care of him he had been on pain killers... muscle relaxers... and anti-depressants (side effect from the other two drugs)...and anti nausea pills...chemicals are hard on the stomach...but then workman's comp cut him off...and he still could not work...so a lawsuit...which was still pending on some test to be run...but he could not get out of jail to take them...
the judge pretended to sleep whenever my lawyer spoke and when my husband and i gave testimony...we were given the maximum sentence...10 years prison...non-violent crimes do 1 month for every year given...i was learning...i was learning allot...

i worked out in the gym after i got to prison...i got strong...real strong...i never lost my awareness...there is no way to lose your awareness after doing 2 years of mushrooms everyday...but i did get weary at times...worn out with all the pettiness... you see...their philosophy in prison...taught to the guards...is to petty the women...and bully the men...i guess they figure if the prisoner can handle petty or bully without a breakdown...then they can handle the real world...so...anyway...there were times i would grow weary...that is when my FATHER would send me a gift...for instance my husbands medical settlement came through and our bills were paid for a full year...my 20 acres and home would be waiting for me when i got out...it paid off other bills also...and put money on our books for buying food from the commissary...tobacco...yarn...and things that made life a little easier...i lived off of peanut butter on vanilla wafers with coffee in order to survive...not going to meals with my dorm gave me more recharging time...away from sad eyes...

these girls had the same sad eyes of that two legged woman i had seen as a child...the one my mother had told me not to drink from the same fountain...only these girls were not only sad... they were angry...no one had listened to their cries...silent abuse...they were treated wrong... and from where they sat...no one cared how they were being used...i could not look at all that anger...it had turned to hate... when i looked into their eyes...my awareness made me feel the wrongs done to them...the only way i have been able to explain what i saw was...i saw a worm eating flesh from the inside out...the worm was the system that had diseased their bodies and it slowly destroys them...a couple of the girls i met died on one of their in and out trips...while they were out...just did a little over dose...won't be a repeat customer for the prisons anymore...

i was given several messages from my FATHER while i was doing my time... his voice was loud and clear to me...
the first time was when i had only been at the prison 3 weeks...after being in max in the dark and cold cell for 3 1\2 months at the county jail... i saw the spring flowers on the way to state prison...i praised my FATHER for that kind gift...but upon arrival at the prison i was put into solitary for 3 weeks...in the dark...again... while they put me through the hoops...then they moved me to a dorm...with windows\ bars...the sun was shining and spilling across the 100 bed dorm...the moment i came around the dark hall into the room and saw the dazzling light all noise around me ceased and HIS voice spoke to me...HE said..."you must lift heavier weights if you want to get stronger"... i had many times prayed for more strength when first given this job of telling the people of truths and kindness...and right now the weights were very heavy on me...it was my first time to be in this large a population of prisoners...angry caged two-legged...70% black...i never had much trouble getting along...these girls were real people who had a lot of hurt shoved behind all that anger...i listened to many... they just seem to know i was there for them...i shined for them and they would show up in my little cubical...when they would sit next to me they would share my light and they would be able to visit a place like none on earth.. a land of peace and love...2 legged of all colors showed for this gift...my energy did get low though (my husband wrote me often to tell me he wanted a divorce)...
it was sometimes hard to recharge in this place too...the building i was being housed in was at one time in the past a state boys home (before being shut down)...for years young boys had been locked up and many had suffered beatings... molesting...and some death...it was not uncommon for me to hear some of the noises that had formally filled these metal walls...the tortured souls and those that tortured them...this was a place of madness and i have no doubt that the other women felt these souls ...i could see it effected peoples behaviors...
it is a difficult time for everyone there and i was attacked at this time by an indian girl (she was there for drunk driving)...she had become jealous of me...she told everyone i was a witch and i was evil...but the rage in her eyes gave her away to everyone... which made her madder and she lunged for me...she knew i was worn out...but i sidestepped and she flew by me...i never touched her...nor her me...when she whirled around and our eyes met...she knew... even in my weakest state...a horde of angry bees could not touch me...she walked away...but her anger was still with her...
then my FATHER's voice spoke to me again...this time HE said..."you must survive in order to endure..."so i began sleeping with one eye open after that...i understood everything ok...i could not be killed (stung by the bee)...but the enemy would surely come and be very angry...i would have to keep one eye open even when sleeping...in case i need to sidestep... i received my dream gift from my FATHER at this time...this dream help carry me through...i will share it with you...my dreaming body woke up there in my cubical...all 7 of my late great danes i had owned over the past 20 years were there with me..they were all wagging their tail and greeting me...(great danes were commonly used to guard royalty and i always had one or more in my home)...i sat on the floor and loved them all...finally... i bedded each one down to sleep with me...i had to put one under the bed to protect me from there as well...as i wormed between them to get back in my bed...i could feel their warm bodies...i felt great relief, and slept well...

i did 2 months at that housing (medium security)and then on to trustee camp where i did the rest of my time...no more bars and fences...i went to school and got a commercial drivers license and drove their commercial trucks around to all the units in the area...4 female prisons and 2 male prisons... and a heavy equipment operator certificate...i also took a couple of computer courses...i even drove the bus for women prisoners from different units...i saw more than most...and heard more than most...i had plenty of time...and i was there to learn...
it was easy for me to see which guards were real into the power of bulling people around and which guards had good hearts but were too scared of losing a steady job to say anything about how things are being done...they know...and there were also those that were disgusted and fed up...they could only look for new work...which they cannot find...these are the ones that would talk to you honest...they knew the system used these poor people to make the big boys more money...i had plenty of time for figuring too...i figured out that at $35,000.00 to house every prisoner per year...well ...some people are making big bucks off this war on drugs...and the people making the money don't want that to stop...so they set uneducated poor people up to be repeat customers in their prisons...no rehab...no education... revolving door keeps the beds full all the time...i had seen enough...

they managed to keep me 2 months longer than they were suppose to...i had begun my jail time december 20, 1988,.. 5 days after my 37 birthday...and i got out december 11, 89...4 days before my 38th birthday...and 20 days before the beginning of a new decade...

yes..i needed a new decade...they would not let me return to my home though...said i had to parole out to someone...so i paroled out to my husband's mom...back down in babylon...he did too...he did only 8 mths...but was angrier than before and drinking heavy...we both had jobs and reported as required...

i got a job in a 2- 1\2 acre warehouse...it took me 5 months to find that job...i never mentioned my prison record..and i was right in that dirty little drug running county...it was like getting back on the horse you fell off of...it was my fate...
i was delivering feed all over babylon mostly though...i got a 1\2 chow dog and named him freebird...he rode with me on the days i worked the downtown area...rough neighborhoods...i was physically picking up on an average of 20 tons of feed a day...40-50 pounds at a time...i became rock hard tough...and allot of my anger was vented through sweats...babylon is a hot humid city...and the back of a box truck is a sauna...i spent many hours tossing feed sacks...sweating my anger...i would never be the same...and i was glad...

we had a young black women for a parole officer and she was a kind lady...she liked me a lot and confided in me how bad her job was...she said she was suppose to do home visits on all her parolees...but most all of them were black street crack addicts that carried guns...she said there was no one in their right mind that would do a home visit on them...(she told me that while on a home visit to my house)...she expected to get me off parole in 6 months...annual reporting by mail after that...but it did not happen...she did not understand...i tried to explain it to her... even with all she knew about the system... well...she just did not think i could be that important of an enemy to them... another 11 months went by...there could not possibly be anymore reason for me to be turned down for annual report...i had a full year of working and over a 17mths of reporting...denied... my parole officer was in shock...me?...oh i felt the angry bees stirring...

my second 10 year marriage was over...and even though i kept up my land note all that time...it was time to do some sidestepping...i sidestepped over to arizona...and once again walked away from my home...my land... and this time... my 5 generations on both sides deep roots in my home state...my parole officer gave me a one month pass... she covered for me for months...i talked to her often...as hard as she tried she could not get “them” to let go of me and at least let me change my parole to arizona...nothing worked...i returned a year later (for my moms sake) to face a blue warrant...it was agreed before i returned...no jail time...i spent 5 weeks there with my mom...it was good...she never quite understood me...my battle...but she knew i was my dad's daughter...
then...my parole officer showed up one day and tells me to run...she told me she was quitting her job and leaving too...she had been trying to get me my transfer...she stirred up the bees...they had no intention of letting go of me...i split back to arizona... i wrote letters...to the governor...

my grandson was born...and my mom died...i could not be there...they had another warrant out for me...this time...if i returned...i would do time in prison again...my oldest daughter... finally talked to the lawyer in the governors office who handled reviewing my case...he listened and he was aware (as are most law officials in this state) of the drug running county and that it was grossly crooked and protected by the f.b.i. .... he seemed to be a kind and understanding young man...but he said there was nothing that could officially be done for me because of the warrant...

i stayed in arizona for awhile...then one day i get pulled over by the law...they ran my name back home...i came back clean...no record of anything...i still have a clean record...but marijuana is still illegal...and i am still considered a criminal for my medical uses of this kind herb...i moved to oregon...to do some inner healing...i did not want to be motivated by anger...but by what is right and what is wrong...now...

it is time for the cure...HO!